Loathing:
- entitled assholes/bitches who believe that the world owes them something
- entitled assholes who mistake kind people for morons
- snap judgments - first impressions aren't everything
- swollen tonsils - I'll never understand why my Dr. never had them taken out when I was younger
- losing my way, feeling like I don't know where to go next in life
- feeling incredibly lonely because I'm blazing my own path without a partner in crime
- being single
Loving:
- being a kind person (although it does piss me off that people think I'm dumber than I am just because I'm always so nice)
- my best friend's wedding
- my best friend's husband (who didn't hesitate to wipe my tears when unncessary personal drama reared its ugly head after the wedding)
- everyone in the bridal party
- new friendships formed at my best friend's wedding
- trying to learn to sit back and enjoy what I have for awhile instead of always busting my ass to get somewhere new
- a new journey down the road of faith - having faith that things will work out as they are supposed to and I don't need to panic or spin out of control worrying about them
- being single
Stay tuned, pictures of the most beautiful and perfect wedding I've ever been to will be coming this weekend! :)
You know, I find it absolutely amazing that for how many times I’ve been trampled on, how many times I’ve been used and abused, I still look for the good in people, still attempt to find that one shred of decency that might exist somewhere… Even when they don't deserve it! And I find it even more amazing that I’m still shocked by people’s devious actions when they actually happen. Let me try to be a little clearer here – you think that someone might do something, but then you think that you’re just being crazy and not giving them enough credit. And then they actually do whatever it is that you thought they might, but probably wouldn’t do, and you’re completely taken aback by it.
Maybe this constant search for the good in people is a good thing, or maybe its just my biggest downfall. Sure, you could definitely accuse me of trusting too easily and expecting people to actually follow through on what they say they’ll do; expect them to live honestly. I think I was raised differently or something because most of the time, backhanded gestures and actions don’t even cross my mind, and if they do, its typically followed by an exclamation like, “Oh no, they couldn’t do that!” I’m too honest or something. But this constant search for the good in people always seems to get me tangled up in things. I certainly wear my heart on my sleeve, and there’s a big part of me that thinks that maybe I should change that, but there’s an ever bigger part of me that fiercely refuses to even think about altering that part of my personality, because ultimately its who I am. And to change that would be to change who I am, the very fiber of my being.
I’m having a hard time rectifying all of this – I mean, I’m content to continue on the way I am, but I guess I should learn to grow a thicker skin. Or just try to figure out why I think everyone is inherently good and then am utterly thrown when I find out otherwise. If I don’t find a balance soon, I’m going to continue to be a doormat and the tread-marks in my forehead are going to become so deep, there will be no hope of ever getting rid of them – even with the help of botox and rejuvederm (which I’m not a fan of anyway – I somehow don’t think that it’s a smart idea to inject botulism in any form into your body, or a synthetic copy either.) I like my laugh lines, but tread marks? Not so much... time to take this back to the drawing board and figure out how to better arm myself against the assholes of this world.
Loathing:
- deadlines that I'm just not motivated to meet
- lack of motivation
- Deadbeat Bridesmaids who have done almost nothing thus far
- not having enough time (between two jobs and an upcoming wedding) fo fully unpack my house - I hate living in chaos and boxes
Loving:
- ABBA - I can't help it, I'm truly, madly, deeply and thoroughly in love with them and their music... and of course...
- Mamma Mia! - Its been running through my head (with the help of my ipod) since I left the show on Sunday
- Family
- Friends
- Looking forward to my best friend's wedding this weekend!!! I'm so excited to be her Maid of Honor :)
- My bridesmaid dress - its gorgeous and totally wearable for future events :-D
- Looking forward to the pampering that I'll be getting for being a bridesmaid (mani, pedi, massage... oh yeah!)
- My return to blogging/journaling/writing
- My Vox neighborhood
Looking backwards instead of forwards... I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I was catching up on Lucky Lass' posts, and she talked about it at some point in May/June as well. Why is it that it is SO easy to spend SO much time looking backwards? And it seems to me that it becomes even easier to look backwards and wish for what was when things get really difficult - when what we really need to be doing is looking forward?
As I've mentioned, June brought about a lot of not necessarily unwanted changes, just changes that needed to be done and the timing of them snuck up on me. I could have let the changes go, but I didn't think I could last another year in purgatory, waiting for the time to come again. So I made the changes now, and it seemed to make everything that much harder. And all I kept thinking about was how easy it all seemed when I was younger. How nice it was to have two parents and a small town, a loving family all living within 20 minutes of me. A loving Grandmother (with a pool) only 2 blocks away - I lost my Grandfather when I was 9. Those long summer days where I'd spend time with my mom in the morning, likely in her classroom doing summer moving and planning. Then the afternoons were spent at my grandmother's house, in the pool with my mom and/or my Aunt. The evenings were spent around the neighborhood with the kids, on my bike, playing games, running around, or maybe just staying cool and reading a book or working on some crafts. (I've always had an affinity for embroidery, and I've have my nose cemented into books since my mom taught me to read when I was 3). I know I was incredibly lucky for so many reasons. And I was even luckier as a child with a full-time working mom who got to spend her summers with me - the joys of having a teacher for a parent.
Maybe because I had such a wonderful childhood, and probably because the aching in my heart of missing my Daddy has increased exponentially, and most likely because of all the ridiculous drama I've put myself through lately, its just been so wonderful to look back, to remember those summers (and even the winters, and falls and springs) and wish for them back, at least for a little. Its been a little disorienting too, because I've always been a forward thinker, wanting to know what was around the next corner and the best way(s) to get there - but instead of looking forward and figuring things out, I've been looking backward. A lot of it comes too from the fact that I haven't been able to get home as much this summer as I would like, and also because this summer has been so completely turbulent.
And maybe this sounds trite, but a lot of it boils down to being lonely. I’m seriously the only one of all my close friends that is single. Everyone is either in a relationship, engaged or married, or even just paired off. I’ve become the token single friend, the funny girl that appears to be ok on her own, and while I’m completely content to fill the role to keep everyone entertained and happy, it’s starting to grate on my nerves. I have to say, it has gotten better since I’ve gotten used to living alone again. I think that that was a big thing for me. As much as I wanted to live alone, and as happy as I am having my own sacred space again, there is a certain time required for adjustment. Even when you’re living in a not so good roommate situation, there’s still a roommate, another body that’s there. But its just me and the kitty again, and my neighbor in the other half of my house, and we’re content. I certainly wouldn’t mind having a partner in crime, but I’m sure that will happen when the time and the person are right.
But being content doesn’t stop me from pining away some nights, wanting to be at home with my family, back where things are easier – or at least appear to be easier. Wanting things to be the way they were, before Daddy was gone, before he even got sick, before I grew up. Is this unusual? Or am I the only one that’s really pining for my childhood. I guess I’m really lucky because my childhood was good enough that I want to go back. I mean, it certainly wasn’t perfect, and there were ups and downs and bad days to counteract the good days, but it was home. It was family. It was good. And I’m glad that I cherished it the way I did when I had it, I don’t feel that I took it for granted, but I do wish a lot that I could go back. Just for a short while. I guess that’s what dreams are for, right?...
In my return to the world of the living (and my departure from the world of the overwhelmed and hibernating), I was able to catch a show at the National Theatre this weekend. I finally (finally!) got to see Mamma Mia! on stage. I went yesterday - Sunday - and it was the last day of its run in DC. We saw the matinee show (Only one more after show after it). It was absolutely fantastic! I've been jamming out to the Mamma Mia soundtrack on my ipod for years, but I had never gotten to see it. I'd talked a few times with family and friends about heading to NYC to see it at the Winter Garden Theater, but it just never happened. And with the movie coming out, my hopes for seeing it on stage first were quickly slipping away. But last week a friend of mine that I hadn't talked in awhile invited me to go. Our seats were wonderful - middle of the orchestra about 12 rows back. We saw everything! I heard that the cast was moving on to Philadelphia for a run there, and I have to say, if anyone is in or around Phildadelphia and is looking for something to do, get tickets to this show! The cast was phenomenal - I actually enjoyed this cast and performance as much, if not more than the original cast recording that I have. I'm pretty sure the people wo were sitting next to me knew the actor who was playing Sam Carmichael (who was very, very good). They kept cheering for him, and clapping for his performances, and during the curtain call, he waved to them, which I thought was exciting. It was like sitting next to celebrity-intimates or something ;) I know, I'm a huge dork.
After the show was over, we decided to grab dinner a few miles down 95 in Historic Occoquan. We ended up eating at this really nice restaurant called Madigan's Waterfront and it was delicious. We ate outside and took in the beautiful, peaceful scenery. Its amazing - we were only about 10 miles outside of the beltway, but it felt like a different world. So calm and so opposite of city life. Dinner was nice and shortly after we finished, a storm moved in and dumped a lot of rain. It was really refreshing - and it continued to storm all night. It was nice to hear the rain hitting my roof while I was laying in bed - I love to hear that.
The weekend was busy with unpacking - although not as much as I would have hoped. But I also got to see a number of good friends who I hadn't seen since January, so it was wonderful. I got to play Rock Band again and just chill out. And I finally really used my kitchen - I made a pancake and fresh fruit brunch for me and a girlfriend on Sunday morning. :)
I think I'm well on my way to a better place than I've been in recently. Thank you for all the support you've all shown me! It reminds me just how lucky I am, and how many wonderful people I have in my life. I'm truly blessed, and I'm beginning to remember that (and believe in it) again :)
Its been quite awhile since the last time I posted a blog, something that's weighed heavily on my mind probably since the last time I actually posted. I haven't forgotten you, my Dear, Dear Vox, or you, my readers, I've just been dealing with life and didn't really have the capacity or frame of mind to write about it. Don't feel too neglected, because I wasn't even capable of journalling in the past 2 months. Oh sure, I've carried my little travelling journal book with me everywhere, I've taken it out, looked at it, wished for the sense of mind to actually put pen to paper and write, but there was nothing. Too much was going on in my personal and work life. It was all swirling around and around in my head, and the solution was to get it out, on paper or on a computer screen, but I couldn't do either. Instead, I dealt by putting my head down, plowing forward, trying to keep it all together when I was coming apart at the seams.
The past few months have been incredibly busy, and incredibly difficult. June marked a year since I moved to DC, and while I thought I was going to remain stationary and continue living where I had been, I realized unexpectedly - in the eleventh hour - that for my own peace of mind and sanity, I had to get out. I ended realizing with about 10 days to spare that I needed to get out, find a new place to live that was within my price range, and somehow move all of my belongings into that space. It was frantic, stressful, overwhelming, and most of all, crippling. Among other things that were going on personally, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. It sparked a whole chain of negative self-exploration, and I started focusing on all of my flaws, all of my weaknesses, and defining myself by them, completely forgetting all of the positives. I felt like a child again, like I couldn't make it through the day without my mommy, and tears were more than a daily occurrence, they were an hourly visitor. Anxiety and sleeplessness were constant companions, and I couldn't even count on my cat for some feline love because my stress was affecting almost as drastically as it was affecting me.
June also brought about the memories of all that I had learned in the past year - the hard life lessons, the friendships earned and lost, the things surrounding the death of friendship and birth of new ones; job changes, worklife drama, personal exhaustion. But also all of the amazing things that I've learned in the past year, all of the wonderful adventures I've had and the many, many blessings that have come my way. I'm certainly not the same person who packed her life in Michigan and moved back to the east coast, brand new Master's degree in hand. I don';t think I want to be that person anymore. Change is good, and I've learned so much - I feel like I've changed so much, and in some ways, I feel like I haven't changed one bit. Its been an interesting time. But I'm in a new home - but an old house - which I love, despite all of its problems. Its been wonderful living alone again and having the peace of mind that comes with it, but its also a little nerve-wracking until you get used to it. I'm looking forward to fully unpacking and getting used to it.
I've had a lot things going on in my head that I wanted to post, but I haven't prioritized the time, or retained what exactly it was that I wanted to post. Its been a turbulent time, but I'm looking forward to the waters calming a bit. I'm looking forward to getting back to posting and journaling and trying my had at the 5 word challenge again. I just wanted to say "Hello Vox, I hope you remember me," and let my returning presence be know. I hope all is well in the world of Vox and I look forward to catching up with all of my neighbors. :)
I got lost in the fold last week and just barely got my act together! Here's to trying really hard this week and hopefully staying up with the times ;)
Loathing:
- Being tired and not having a lot of time to myself to regroup
- Having to tell people things that you know they don't want to hear - As much as they don't want to hear it, I don't want to say it, but sometimes not saying it just makes it worse
Loving:
- Making some good money at the second job
- The impact my second job is having on my debt :)
- Meeting awesome new people at my new job
- My training walks for the Breast Cancer 3 Day
- Weekends
- Family
- Friends
- Beautiful weater
- My new Lypsyl lip balm - It's just the right amount tingly and all kinds of moisturizing-awesome, and I love the little honeybee slider to raise and lower it! I'm a Burt's Bees junkie, but I have to say, Lypsyl gives Burt a run for his money :)
I went home to PA this weekend to spend some quality time with the women in my life - my mother, grandmother, and my two aunts, who also happen to both be my Godmothers. I took them out for a nice dinner - a tradition I started a few years ago (before grad school broke my bank) but wasn't able to carry on again until this year (yay for being gainfully - and full-time - employed!). Its a tradition I hope to continue for many years - its the absolute least I could do considering all that these amazing women have done for me over the years. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm pretty damn blessed to have been born to this particular family. :)
To all the mothers (and Grandmothers and Godmothers) out there, thank you for everything that you do! I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day!
I've got a million things swirling around in my head, and have been tossing things around to post about for the past few days. But now that I'm finally sitting in front of a computer with time to compose, its all gone out of my head. I'm hoping that a slow(er) weekend at home in PA with my farmily (yes, I meant to type that) will help a little. Or at least give me fodder to post about, lol. I've been so incredibly busy this week that even making a decision hurts. I was meeting people for lunch today, and I asked them what time they wanted to meet and gave them 3 options. Instead of naming a time, I get "Well what time do you want to go?" I literally thought my head was going to explode from the strain of it all. Its been a ridiculously busy week, especially with my allergy issues. I'm hoping that although I now have a second job, things will be a little calmer next week. Just a smidge, that's all.
And I promise to nap during the morning commute on the metro ;)
But first thing's first. I've got two weeks of Loving and Loathing to catch up on.
Loathing:
- tree pollen
- my allergies
- inefficient prescription allergy medication
- tree pollen
- my allergies
- and oh yeah, did I mention tree pollen and my allergies?
Loving:
- Rain, sweet rain! Thank you for coming and taking care of all of that nasty tree pollen! I can finally almost breathe again :)
- Bob Woodward speaking at my job. Talk about cool! I was *so* starstruck!
- Taking a second job at a Ballroom Dance studio (I miss me some ballroom something fierce! Its like a wonderful homecoming!)
- Second job helping to make a nice big dent in my debt
- *NOT* feeling like I'm living paycheck to paycheck
- My friends and how they encourage (and love to partake of) my ridiculosity :)
- Guitar Hero
- My co-workers sharing Mother's Day Gifts with me for being a "kitty-mommy" :) (I'm the only woman in my office who's not already a mom, so they didn't want me to feel left out)
- And most importantly, my family, who I will get to see again this weekend. Yay for Mothers and Grandmothers and Godmothers!!!
